kerti-yasha

dear friend,
so long has it been since we’ve known each other. we’ve done so much together. we’ve luaghed and cried and got angry at each other. but then, there’s so much about you i don’t know. big blocks of our lives are unknown to each other. for the last few months, even maybe years, i feel like i don’t know who you really are. i understand that you don’t want to upset anybody. i understand if you don’t want to share every bit of your secrets with me. you’re just being human. but then, i really don’t think i can understand you anymore. i don’t really know what you’re thinking, what you’re planning, how you’re feeling. are you hurt? are you happy? are you sure about the steps you’re taking? we hardly ever talk about important things lately. heck, we hardly even ever see each other anymore. everytime i see you my mind goes bad. this is not how it’s supposed to be. the family isn’t like what it used to be.
i know you are old enough to make your own decisions in life. i know i shouldn’t be too nosy and want to know everything you’re going through. but i know i should be brave enough to tell you to back off when i see you doing something wrong. but the thing is… i don’t know if you’re wrong or right. i don’t understand you anymore.
i’ve seen what you did. i know how you messed up. and i want to help. i hope you’ve learned from the past and won’t mess up anymore. i pray for you. i really do. but i just don’t think i can do anything to make a real difference.
frankly, i’m a bit tired of cleaning up after the mess you left behind. my heart’s tired. but i just don’t know how to stop you. or am i not supposed to stop you anyway?
lately i’ve got this funny feeling that you’re about to mess up again. you’re about to mess with someone’s delicate feelings. you’re about to turn your back on someone. you’re about to do all those things all over again.
heck, you know what you’ve been through. you know it hurts. you know it hurts other people. so why do it again? why haven’t you learned your lesson? why…? are you just up for the adventure? are just just trying to satisfy yourself? are you being sincere? are you still you?
but who am i to judge you? who knows, maybe this time around it will turn out good. maybe this time around everything will be perfect. maybe i’m just a paranoid. i hope so.
so, dear friend, tell me, what are you really up to?
make me believe.
let me see your old self.