kerti-yasha

    Last night I embarked on an adventure. I took my mom’s car and drove far east, tracing every step of my forgotten past. It was about 11.15 p.m. when I drove off, and as I got closer to where I was going my heart beats faster. Not of joy but of worry. I decided to confront my feelings, but I started to doubt myself. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stand up straight after this encounter. But I kept on driving.
    When I finally got there, I was a nervous wreck. My hands were shaking so badly that the car started to wobble around. Luckily there weren’t any cops on traffic duty poking around. I crossed the railroad crossing that was the mark of my arrival. I entered the neighborhood and cold sweat started dripping off my clothes. When I took the final right turn, I saw the sight I had not seen for what seemed like years. It was dark and cold, and rather unwelcoming. Or was it just my impression? I took a slow pass, grasping each and every detail of the house that I longed to be a part of. I may not be able to see this sight for a long time, and this may very well be my last visit.
    I saw the lights were on, so I decided to not stop. I continued my slow pass and struggled to stay focused. I knew the risks, I knew that this was going to hurt like hell, but if I wanted to get it over with then I had to go through it.
    It was fifteen minutes before midnight, and there I was, inside a parked car about 10 meters away from the railroad crossing. It took all my strength just to stay breathing, and a lot more to hold my tears.
    After about 15 minutes, I drove off to get home. I was so out of focus that I nearly drove into a motorcycle. I believe it was God’s hands that pulled me and helped me avoid the accident. So I took my time to stop and pray.
    Now it’s all over. I had sent my last message last night, about half an hour after my encounter. Not replied. It doesn’t matter. I know I have to go on, I just don’t have the strength to do so at the moment. How can I move on when I can hardly breathe?
    So dear God, in Your grace I submit my heart and my life….